To Find Myself Again My Walls Are Closing In
by BlazeorFade
Summary: Sam wants to know if Dean wants things to be different. Set after they leave the Road House in Everyone Loves A Clown.


**Title: To Find Myself Again(My Walls Are Closing In)**

**Author: BlazeorFade**

**Rating: M**

**Summary: Missing scene from Everyone Loves A Clown. Sam confronts Dean about his conversation with Jo.**

**Disclaimer: Nope.**

**AN: Thank you to Angela for giving me this plot bunny. Here you go honey, slow, angsty, lingering Wincest just for you. Sorry it took so long. Thank you for poking me and demanded your long overdue fic. ::Hugs::**

**Actual show dialogue provided by Super-Wiki. And title is taken from lines from Crawling remix by Linkin Park ft. Aaron Lewis. Gorgeous song, btw.**

* * *

"You boys did a hell of a job. Your dad would be proud." Ellen told them setting down a round of beers on the house.

"Thanks." Sam replied with a tight smile.

Ellen walked away and Jo settled into the stool next to Dean's, sent Sam a 'Get Lost' look. He fought the stubborn urge to return it instead opting to get out of their way and see what happened. Dean hadn't touched him since their father died and as much as it hurt, Sam wondered if maybe Jo was what he needed to heal right now.

"Oh yeah, um, I've gotta uh….I've gotta go. Over there. Right now." Sam said clearing his throat. Dean didn't look Sam in the eye during his awkward exit.

"So." Jo started.

"So." Dean returned, giving her nothing.

"Am I gonna see you again?" Jo asked obviously trying to keep the hopefulness out of her voice and failing miserably.

"Do you want to?" Dean asked looking intently at his beer.

"I wouldn't hate it." Jo responded. Dean sighed deeply. Better to nip this in the bud before the girl got ideas in her head. Ideas she didn't already have.

"Hmmm. Can I be honest with you? See, normally I'd be hitting on you so fast it'd make your head spin. But, uh, these days…I don't know." Dean told Jo.

"Wrong place, wrong time?" She finished.

"Yeah." Dean answered. Jo nodded.

"Its okay. I get it." Jo said softly.

Dean nodded. No, she really didn't.

* * *

Sam tried not to worry about what was said between Jo and Dean. He tried not to wonder too much. It couldn't have been anything, he reasoned. Dean was going back to Bobby's with him, not fucking Jo in the back room of the Road House. So obviously Dean told her…told her something. He watched Dean out of the corner of his eye the whole walk to the bus depot. He didn't broach the subject till they checked into a motel later that night, opting to finish the trop in the morning.

"So." Sam said lamely, as he set his bag down on the king size bed. He would have been relieved at the sleeping arrangements except that Dean hadn't made them and hadn't seemed too happy till Sam told him to shut the hell up, the place didn't have anything else available. Which was all kinds of bull shit but Dean didn't need to know that.

"What?" Dean asked tensing. That word hadn't led to anything good lately.

"What did you say to Jo, back at the bar I mean?" Sam asked.

"About what?" Dean asked casually as he started pulling things out of his own bag.

"You know what about. She was flirting with you whole time we were there." Sam told him.

"I told her I wasn't interested. You know, things weren't good and if things were-"

"Different?" Sam supplied.

"I guess. What does it matter Sam? I'm here with you." Dean said.

"Do you want them to be?" Sam asked quietly after a few seconds.

"Do I want them to be what, Sam?" Dean asked putting his bag aside forcefully.

"Different. Do you want things to be different Dean? Do you want to be free to.." Sam stopped talking when his voice cracked. He couldn't do this. He couldn't hear Dean's answer. But he couldn't not hear it. Fuck, he didn't want to lose him. Sam sat down on the edge of the bed burying his face in his hands.

Dean watched Sam try to compose himself, trying to fight the urge to go to him and wrap his arms around him. He'd barely let himself be alone with Sam in so long. It was like suffocating, not letting himself kiss and hold and comfort Sam. Like that dark period when all he could do was content himself to look but not touch.

"Is that what you want, Dean? To break up. Everything else is all fucked up anyway." Sam choked out, his shoulders beginning to shake from tears unshed.

"No." Dean whispered. Sam continued to shake and fall apart from doubt and fear. He hadn't heard Dean.

"No Sammy, I don't want things to be different. I don't want her." Dean spoke up louder.

"Liar." Sam accused still not looking up at Dean. He shook his head, mumbling something incomprehensible. Dean thought he heard the words "Lost everything" and "Alone".

Dean ran his hand through his hair. Emotions stirred under his stony façade and he felt the walls he'd built around himself begin to crumble. He took the first stumbling step towards Sam, then another and another till he was standing in front of his brother, with tears in his eyes. He kneeled down in front of Sam, his knees hitting t he ground hard enough to hurt. The pain gave him a small amount of clarity. Dean brought his hands up to Sam's forcibly removing t hem from his face so that Dean could look at him. Sam's eyes were red rimmed, brimming with tears, his lips trembled as he took a shaky breath, silently telling Dean that Sam knew he was losing him, like he'd lost his father and Jessica.

Dean shook his head and leaned forward pressing his lips to Sam's, going back home. Sam stiffened at first and that hurt worse than the tears did but then he relaxed into Dean's kiss, tilting his head downward to meet his brother's lips easier. Dean pushed his tongue into Sam's mouth, savoring the taste of him on his lips once more. Sam moaned pulling his hands from Dean's grip to clasp the sides of Dean's face.

Dean pushed Sam slowly backwards onto the bed, scorching a path down his chest with his hands. He wanted more, now. He needed to feel all that soft, golden skin against his own. He had to trace long memorized scars of incite those sounds that only his Sam could make. His nose bumped Sam's when he moved his head to one side trying to breath without breaking contact with his lips.

Sam pulled his head back from Dean's so he could look into his eyes. Hazy dark green eyes filled with so much anguish and hurt. Dean was raw and exposed before Sam. He was afraid if he blinked it would all disappear. Dean reached for the edge of his t-shirt, Sam sat up so Dean could tug it over his head, his lips meeting Sam's skin reverently. He traced kisses along Sam's collar bone, tasting the salty sweat breaking out on his brother's body.

"Sam. Sammy. Sam." Dean murmured teasing his lips around the edges of Sam's nipple before finally taking the nub into his mouth, sucking hard on it, feathering his hands up and down Sam's sides, over his chest and stomach and across his shoulders, setting a rhythm all his own with his mouth and hands. His hips moved in slow circles over Sam's growing erection and Sam wasn't sure whether to beg Dean for more or push him off so he could tear his clothes off and finally have Dean inside him. It was such sweet torment.

"Dean…p-please…" Sam stuttered his eyes rolling into the back of his head as one of Dean's hands ghosted between them over his hardness. Sam pushed up trying to grind into the hand but Dean shook his head against Sam's chest and nipped lightly in an admonishment. It took all of Sam's self control to keep still underneath Dean's slow ministrations. Dean's kisses picked up intensity as he made his way down Sam's abs, tracing the muscles with his tongue, following the movements as they contracted beneath his mouth.

"Love you Dean…love you so much." Sam said raggedly clutching at the blankets.

Dean's fingers undid the top button on Sam's jeans and slowly pulled down his zipper. His tongue dipped into Sam's belly button, making him whimper, shaking with pleasure. Dean pulled back so he could pull Sam's jeans down his long legs, followed by his boxers. His breath caught in his throat, catching sight of Sam, fully erect, come weeping from his cock with Sam looking at him with dark, pleading eyes. Sam bent one of his knees, giving Dean an enticing view of his hot, tight opening.

Dean pulled his own shirt over his head and dropped it to the floor. He slid between Sam's legs, putting a hand on his chest and gently pushing him back onto the mattress. Sam whined when Dean ran his tongue slowly up the underside of his erection, flicking his tongue around the head light enough to tease and make Sam thrust up to try and get more of Dean's mouth. Dean ran his lips over the silky soft skin, kissing the vein throbbing with the beat of Sam's body. He sucked Sam's sac into his mouth, tonguing him till Sam keened and bucked, sobbing for Dean.

Dean breathed hotly over Sam's skin as he pulled back only to swallow the head reaching his hand up to stroke Sam's length while he sucked him off. Dean found himself grinding into the mattress trying to get sensation to his own painful erection.

"Dean!" Sam cried out, his heel digging into the mattress trying to get push closer and harder. Dean swallowed him to the root, his throat muscles working Sam's cock, he bobbed his head and brought Sam to the edge only to pull back, laying loving kisses on his hip till Sam's breathing slowed a bit and then he started his torture again.

He reached down to cup Sam's balls squeezing softly so Sam would come in hot burst that Dean drank up eagerly finally letting Sam thrust into his mouth in desperate jabs till he was dry and his cock was soft in the heat of Dean's mouth. Sam fell back on the bed, covered in sweat, his eyes fluttering closed. He tried to remember how to breath again.

"Sam" Dean said in a rough, low voice. Sam looked down at his brother, between his legs, staring up at him, telling him without words that he was everything. Only Dean could do that. Only Dean could make his name mean more than a thousand words of love that never really sufficed.

"Make love to me." Sam said desperately. Dean swallowed, licking his wet lips. He nodded, looked down and nodded again.

"Okay." Dean said. He stood up on shaky legs. He had the presence of mind to pull his jeans off, hissing as the rough denim abraded his cock and went to his bags to dig for the lube. He thought for an excruciating moment that he hadn't brought it with him and almost shouted in relief when he actually found it. He figured that might ruin the moment though.

Dean climbed up Sam's body kissing him deeply rubbing his erection against Sam's hip, groaning into Sam's lips. Too long since he'd last been with Sam. In his haze he couldn't really remember why but he knew it had something to do with punishing himself, being unworthy.

"I need you." Sam whispered into Dean's kiss.

Dean pulled back and nudged Sam's legs further apart so he could kneel between his legs. He poured the lube over his fingers, reminding himself to take his time, make it last. He pushed one finger into Sam's hole, lazily rubbing the tight ring of muscles and adding a second finger. Sam's dick twitched at the sensation and he cried out when Dean's fingers brushed his prostate. Dean pushed a third finger inside the tightness fingering him open.

"I'm r-ready, Dean. Please." Sam breathed. _Please. _Dean loved to hear that word.

Dean pulled his fingers out of Sam and poured a handful of lube into his palm. He stroked his aching erection, biting down on his lips locking eyes with Sam as he pleasured himself. Sam followed the movement of Dean's hand, up and down over and over again. Sam reached forward clasping his hand over Dean's. He pulled Dean's hand away wrapping his fingers around Dean's cock and guiding him forward to meet his hole. Sam pulled his hand away spreading his legs wider for Dean.

With one smooth push Dean was inside. He caught Sam's lips in another searing kiss, starting his slow, languorous thrusts into Sam, rolling his hips to hit the sweet spot over an over again. Dean mumbled incoherently against Sam's skin as he kissed an tongued the corners of his mouth, shuddering as he picked up the speed, their bodies slipping and sliding together, sweat dripping from Dean's hair into his eyes. It burned and blurred the world and then his thrusts become frantic and needful. He twined his fingers in Sam's long hair gripping the wet strands like his life depended on it.

Sam met Dean's desperate rhythm fighting for dominance with Dean's mouth, he felt himself getting close again and he tightened his legs around Dean hips.

"Sam. Fuck...wanted to…can't lose…." Dean whispered brokenly. His orgasm built till he exploded inside Sam, semen running down between Sam's legs, mingling with Sam's sweat. Sam cried out following close behind.

Dean stilled over him burying his face in Sam's neck. He breathed harshly against him and Sam closed his eyes, trying to remember the last time it was like this and decided it never had been. Their love making now was tied up with so much more. It was pain and sadness. It was grief and guilt. It was redemption and confirmation that they were still there and still alive. Sam could feel t he salty tears on his neck but for Dean's sake chose to stay silent, just holding him till it was back to love and kisses that burned his soul.

**-Fin**

**AN2: NaNo is already killing my brain please give me reviews. I need them.**


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